Why You Don’t Take A “No” From Someone Who Can’t Give A “Yes”

And it’s totally okay

I wasted a little time today because I forgot the simplest negotiating principle ever: don’t take a “no” from someone in an organization who’s not empowered to say “yes.”

It all worked out, but I felt foolish — I should know better than to ask someone to make a decision they just aren’t empowered to make. But then I felt smart again, because it reminded me to re-focus on all my relationships where I can be effective with effective people.

I was meeting with the physician’s assistant prior to a regular checkup with a doctor. It’s the latest thing now — the PA does all the caring-and-sharing, info-taking, so they can give a nice, concise report to the doc. Thus the PA becomes a “physician extender,” as they say in the trade.

Physician’s assistants are to physicians what Hamburger Helper is to ground round.

Anyhow, today I had a question, which I recklessly brought up with the PA. “Hey,” I ask, “Wouldn’t this lab result here suggest I might need this other little test?”

“Oh, no,” he says pleasantly, typing away without looking up. “That won’t be necessary. The doctor won’t think that lab value is significant.” More typing. “So when did you first come down with this condition?”

I’m not sure why he asks that, since he has my whole chart open right in front of him, but I give him a quick review anyhow.

But now I’m feeling contrary, because it seems like I’m doing most of the sharing, and he’s not doing much of the caring. Besides, he has just displayed ignorance, and ignorance = weakness. I decide to press my question a little.

“Seriously, though… see how these results change in such a short time?” I say this gently, as he seems nervous.

“Doesn’t that factor suggest that a further diagnostic would be prudent? Wouldn’t that be a wise recommendation for you, a physician’s assistant, to make to the physician?”

I wait expectantly for him to think it through.

“Well, is that what you want?” he asks, confused.

“No, I’m asking whether you think you should recommend this action.” Further confusion on his face, as politeness battles with programming.

And then I realized that I was wasting my time on the planet asking him to make a decision that was simply not in his portfolio. It’s not a negotiation if someone can’t say yes.

So I quit messing with the poor guy, but it was too late. I had already added yet another incident to my “difficult patient” profile.

Find the grown-up in the room

Anyone who goes to the marketplace each day seeking goods, services, ideas, or opportunities will find this principle useful. Anyone wanting to promote such goods, services, ideas or opportunities — entrepreneurs, sales professionals, contractors, promoters, marketers, and would-be influencers of any kind — will find it essential.

My beloved used to sell multi-million dollar software packages — magicks, they seemed to me — to Fortune 500 companies. In the process, he developed an uncanny talent for identifying who had the power to actually buy the product. All such successful magick vendors have this ability.

For example, in a conference room full of self-important, well-coiffed players, roughly one in twelve will be empowered to give a project a green light — if you’re lucky.

Sure, the magick vendor will include everybody in the dog-and-pony show, to demonstrate that everybody’s buy-in has been solicited. So everybody gets a binder and a pastry, and they all have to endure 15 minutes of Prezi motion sickness or Power Point coma.

And all the participants wave their MBAs and PHDs around like little toy light sabers, eagerly awaiting any opportunity to tell the magick vendor “No!” like triumphant toddlers.

People really do love to say no.

But the wise magick vendor lets them have their moment; after all, these good people are just paying their dues.

And even if it appears that the magick product has been soundly rejected, the wise vendor will smile, compliment everyone, and look for the adult in the room for further action. Amusingly, the one with the power to say yes is often the quiet one in the corner, perhaps a Yoda type who’s not waving a toy light saber.

If the magick vendor can get a follow-up meeting with that one, the deal is still alive and there are starships full of money yet to be made.

“I think we’d better ask Fred…”

I’ve seen the same principle in the rooms I’ve worked — meeting rooms in academic, religious, non-profit, and volunteer institutions. I don’t care how proudly an organization claims to follow a “consensus model” for decision making — I guarantee there are certain people you must have on your side if you want to get anything done.

If you begin a project without knowing who can say yes, you’ll waste time and effort and goodwill chasing buy-in that can only be contingent at best.

Once, at a lovely little church I served, I spent weeks talking up a summer youth music program that I knew would bring back some prodigal members and spark new interest as well — just what this congregation said they wanted. We would teach our talented youth to do some cool contemporary songs in church — complete with drums! — over the summer. It would complement the traditional worship music and it would be absolutely free. I saw it as an obvious win-win.

People I spoke with seemed oddly hesitant. Finally, someone explained why — they “just didn’t think Fred would like it.” Fred was a crusty, conservative, opinionated crank who had his own way most all the time. No one was crude enough to mention it, but Fred was also the congregation’s biggest donor. For some reason, everyone thought Fred would say no, so they all said no.

But to everyone’s surprise, when I consulted Fred directly, he said yes to the music program. I may have “forgotten” to mention the drums, but I did emphasize that it was free. And it was a success, and the people were happy.

But I realized it wasn’t enough for me to just work with Fred and let the timid folk remain fearful of offending the rich guy. That wasn’t a healthy state for the individuals or for the organization. To be an effective influencer, I had to help the people see that they were saying “no” when they could be saying “yes.”

And how did I help give them the spiritual strength to feel thus empowered? Well, the short answer is — I shook them down for more money. I’m not kidding, and it’s actually a valid spiritual principle. As the people gave more of their resources, investing in their growing church, they enjoyed a growing sense of commitment and ownership and agency within their organization. Just like Fred. Go figure.

Yes, no, maybe so…

I am happy to report that my doctor did request that additional little test. I’m still a difficult patient, but I have resolved to be more tolerant of the physician’s assistant — realizing that all of us are sometimes stuck in roles that may restrict our decision-making.

But I won’t be fretting about seeking a “yes” from those in the pipeline who just can’t give me that yes.

Instead, I’m going to calmly tune out the toddlers yelling “No!” and remember these rules:

• Don’t take “no” from someone who can’t say “yes.”
• Find the people who can say “yes” and learn what gives them that power.
• Then find more people with that power— and help others cultivate that power— so that they, too, can say “yes.”

Keep the faith, my friends.

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